SOME THINGS I THINK ABOUT

• The worst is when you’re at the movies and you think you’re all set and not surrounded by anyone annoying… and then the stragglers roll in! Fuck!
• Most of the numbers in my phone are people I’d be happier not to see. They aren’t friends so much as people I don’t have relationships with anymore and am avoiding.
• Even if you’re only going into the bathroom to look at your face and/or wash your hands… alwayslook at the toilet to make sure nothing embarrassing is going on in there- cuz even if it wasn’t you (and it totes WASN’T, cuz girls don’t do gross stuff),you’re the one who’s gonna be walking out of that room, and whatever embarrassing nonsense is leftover in there- you’ll be to blame. 
• The minute you hear a girl say ‘I have daddy issues’ run! Run for your life! Unless it’s me. cuz if it is, you should totally stick around/stay a second longer. I’m special and cool, i swear! We’ll get through this, I promise.
• It’s OK to admit that you DO in fact care… about whatever it is you care about! Rather than continue your fucking lame charade of leaning against a wall and pretending like you don’t. it’s 2011, admitting you care is the new not caring!
• There’s nothing sexier than a guy WITHOUT a facebook page.
• If you bite your toenails, don’t wear open toed shoes. Wait, hold up… you bite your toenails?
• When you don’t return phone calls or a text, even though you’ve literallydone nothing, you’re still making an important statement to the person you’re ignoring. Whether you mean it or not, it screams: ‘Fuck you. You are not a priority in my life.’ Just letting you know.
• If you don’t have a photo of your girlfriend or boyfriend in your phone, you’re not in love, the relationship is a sham! Case closed! That's what my sister said.
• start waking up earlier you lazy fuck! Nicole Richie wakes up at 5am EVERY DAY! That’s mutherfuckin’ early yo, but she gets shizz done!
•  it’s always fun to pretend you’re talking for a dog or a baby! Trust me! Just try it. Hilarious EVERY time!
• There’s a difference between lying and discretion. you don’t have to tell EVERYONE every thing you’ve ever done or thought! who do you think you are, me? keep a little something for yourself.
• If you’re on a budget- just tell every restaurant you go to that it’s your birthday and get free cake! But, on second thought, you really shouldn’t be eating out so much you know!? maybe just order a coffee and get the free cake and run for it. but wait, you should pay for the coffee though dude. and leave a tip too. i mean, it’s the right thing to do.